Post by trebor on Aug 1, 2009 14:21:35 GMT 1
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled
LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the
kitchen?!
============================================
Three little old ladies are sitting on a park bench feeding the birds. A streaker in a trench coat comes over and flashes them. Two of them have a stroke.....the third can't reach.
=============================================
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China .
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by, what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went on his way.
Next stop was in Japan . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
'OK, thank you.' said the American.
He then travelled to Pakistan , Sri Lanka , Russia , Germany and France .
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to the UK to see if the British had the same phone.
He arrived in Yorkshire and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone. But this time the sign under it read '20 pence per call'.
The American was surprised, so he asked the priest about the sign.
'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line Heaven. But everywhere I went the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'you're in Yorkshire now, son -
it's a local call'.
==============================================
A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chilli. The waitress
says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
So, he gets a cup of coffee. Then he sees that the guy next to him has
finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are
you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. You can have it."
The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way
down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into
the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
=============================================
95 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for analysis at the hospital.
He turns up 2 days later with an empty jar.
The Nurse asks "why no sample?"...
The old man said "sorry,but i tried with my right hand then my left!..Then my wife tried with both hands...Then with her mouth...first with teeth in..then with teeth out....
Then we got Ethel from next door to try....but it was no good...
we just couldnt get the ****** lid off" !!!
===========================================
Husband and wife...
BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
==========================================
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in
a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on
his own at a table in the corner. He's so
familiar, and not recognising him is driving
them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly
the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness,
a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus
accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men,
and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches
the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and
shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he
lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is
gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking
him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes
widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've
had all my life is completely gone! It's a
miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who knocks
over a chair and a table in trying to get away
from the Son of God. "What's wrong?" says Jesus
The Scouser shouts "no chance, mate - I'm on disability benefit!"
LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the
kitchen?!
============================================
Three little old ladies are sitting on a park bench feeding the birds. A streaker in a trench coat comes over and flashes them. Two of them have a stroke.....the third can't reach.
=============================================
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China .
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by, what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went on his way.
Next stop was in Japan . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
'OK, thank you.' said the American.
He then travelled to Pakistan , Sri Lanka , Russia , Germany and France .
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to the UK to see if the British had the same phone.
He arrived in Yorkshire and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone. But this time the sign under it read '20 pence per call'.
The American was surprised, so he asked the priest about the sign.
'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line Heaven. But everywhere I went the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'you're in Yorkshire now, son -
it's a local call'.
==============================================
A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chilli. The waitress
says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
So, he gets a cup of coffee. Then he sees that the guy next to him has
finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are
you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. You can have it."
The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way
down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into
the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
=============================================
95 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for analysis at the hospital.
He turns up 2 days later with an empty jar.
The Nurse asks "why no sample?"...
The old man said "sorry,but i tried with my right hand then my left!..Then my wife tried with both hands...Then with her mouth...first with teeth in..then with teeth out....
Then we got Ethel from next door to try....but it was no good...
we just couldnt get the ****** lid off" !!!
===========================================
Husband and wife...
BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
==========================================
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in
a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on
his own at a table in the corner. He's so
familiar, and not recognising him is driving
them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly
the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness,
a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus
accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men,
and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches
the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and
shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he
lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is
gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking
him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes
widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've
had all my life is completely gone! It's a
miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who knocks
over a chair and a table in trying to get away
from the Son of God. "What's wrong?" says Jesus
The Scouser shouts "no chance, mate - I'm on disability benefit!"